Disclaimer: I could look up in a calender, the exact dates on when this happened, but for simplicities sake, pretend that this is March, still a cold month here in Minnesota and it's a Saturday the 1st.
Saturday 11:00 AM: Driving to a buddies farm to go target shooting with my Beretta 9mm pistol, get a call from him that it's off
Saturday 11:30 AM: Call some buddies to see if anything is going on while I am out and about, and its a nice day in april.
Saturday 12:00 PM: Get a hold of my friend Shawn (no names will be covered up, there are no innocents) he is going to be throwing a party later that night and wants me to stop by early so we can do some drinking and grilling.
Saturday 12:30 PM: Stop at a grocery store and picked up a shitload of redmeat for 2 people.
Saturday 1:00 PM: Get to my buddies house, now I know I am in for a long ass night, Shawn proceeds to hide my keys, where? I have no fucking clue.
Saturday 1:00 PM - 6 PM: Over 3 pounds of red meat (Burgers and Steaks) have been consumed, along with a decent quantity of alcohol, we are trying to pace ourselves, and it's going OK.
Saturday 7 PM: First couple people start showing up, talk about getting some strippers to come over, never happened.
Saturday 8 PM: More people start showing up, being the happy drunk I am, I ask people to do shots with me, nobody partook at this time and I should have taken this as some sort of foreboding. More drinking ensues, I think pizzas might have been ordered
Saturday 10pm: After this things get very hazy, Anything you read about the next 10 hours or so have been told to me by other people. I am not one of those persons that can drink all day, I like to get my drinking done in a few hours, have some fun then pass out -thats my style. So I was ill-equipped for this day. But anyways, I start walking around the house chanting, "If I would have known it was going to be a party like this, I woulda stuck my dick in the mashed potato's" Sadly, mashed potatos and the beastie boys were nowhere to be found.
Saturday 10:30pm: The beginning of the end, I sit down to take some Jagmeister shots with some friends. We were going for the macho thing - Two of us ended up taking 8 shots of jag in 5 minutes (for the love of baby jeebus, don't do this)
Saturday 10:45pm : Now I am either blacked out, or whatever because I do not remember a thing until 7am. In fact if you want a really funny mystery, just skip down to the 7am timeline.
Saturday 11:00pm: Uh Oh! Draggy finds his keys! He also decides it would be nice to drive the 45minutes home and pass out in his own bed.
Saturday 11:15pm: Friends call me on my phone, wondering where the hell I am. They ask me to pullover and they will send someone to get me, I told em I was fine and "Not to worry about me"
Saturday 11:45pm: I decide to take some backroads home, The steering or something must have went out in my car and I crashed into a center median, stupid car. I think I can still make it home, so I wipe some glass shards off from my lap (there is a gaping hole in my windshield, both passenger side tires are fucked, and the front end is all smashed up) and kept on trucking.
Sunday 12:00am: Car was being naughty so I abandon it and take off through some woods.
Sunday 12:15am: Some friendly citizens, witnessing my crash. Called the police and notified them of the silly things I was doing, gave a very bad description of me. Guess they caught my left (bad) side profile.
Sunday 12:30am: Police are out looking for me, discover the car, and low and behold they also find the pistol, fully loaded and under my seat - Ouch!
Sunday 12:45am: After wandering through the woods, I come across a creek, I think to myself, hey! You live by a stream, so maybe this one goes by my apartment to! and the cops are after you by now, and you know they have those dogs, you better get the scent off you, so go jump in that godamned creek.
Sunday 1:00am: Cops wake up my landlords, wondering where I am (at first they thought my car was stolen, but after seeing I wasn't home, and the matching descriptions from the witnesses....
Sunday 1:10am: Landlords say I'm a nice guy!
Sunday 1:15am: DE is very cold after his swim in the river, wanders around suburbia soaking wet and lost, see's a open garage door and wonders if it might be warmer in there.
Sunday 1:20am: Garage is not much warmer than outside, I notice the door from the garage going into the house is unlocked. I know it must be warmer in there!
Sunday 1:25am: BARK BARK! Uh-oh! two dogs have me surrounded in some guys kitchen, A voice calls out - "Who are you", I give him the witty reply "I don't know". I decide to lay down on the floor.
Sunday 1:35am: Police come to the man's house, cuff me and take me to the Police Station.
Sunday 3:00am?: Police bring me to the counties Jail (downtown Minneapolis) Busiest night of the year, and I am in an overcrowded holding cell. Again, I am still blacked out, but the people I ended up in the jail cell with told me all this.
Sunday 8:00am: Charged with Burglary (a felony) and brought to the regular jail cell. Now, this jail cell was huge, held around 16 people, and I was one of 3 white kids in there. I could go on and on about why other people were in there, most of em were as funny as mine.
Sunday 10:00am: I need to shower, and I did, without dropping the soap.
Sunday 12:00pm: Met my lawyer, nice enough guy. He knows we can get past the Burglary charge, mainly because the pistol was over a mile away in my car.
I learn some other things about that night, one of em that my BAC was around 2.7 .
Sunday: The rest of the day didn't amount to much, watched FOX, which the simpsons were on, and then all the brothers wanted to watch basketball.
Monday: Again not much happened, talked to a detective. Who was very curious top hear what happened. We talked off the record. He also said that the Burglary charge wouldn't stick, but I was for sure going to get busted on the pistol and drunk driving charges. I also learned some new card games from all the black guys.
Monday 6pm: The wife and my Dad, Stepmom, and Uncle came in to talk with me on those phones that you always see in the movies. Wife cried hysterically, my Dad told me a funny story on how the same thing happened to him (he was drunk and got pulled over, never crashed, but he had a pistol in the car too) and my Uncle gave me money (later) for lawyers and fines and whatnot.
Tuesday 5am: woken up, told that the burglary charges were dropped, but I picked up several gross misdeamenors. Got my mud stained and still wet clothing back, was missing my 350$ watch. So I got dressed in my wet torn up clothing and got thrown out on the streets, luckily another guy from jail had a cell phone with him and got tossed out the same time I did, we made a deal, I used his phone to get us a ride home.
Of course thats not the whole story, I had to go to trial, pay several fines (about 3,000$) I couldn't drive for a year, had to go to AA, Probation once a month. Moral of the story? Fuck if I know, I guess hide your keys better or something.
Posted by at April 1, 2003 12:57 PM
