. If you’re like me you enjoy shooting off the heads of your friends while laughing manically and calling their sexual orientation into question. But you are probably unlike me in that you don’t want to get arrested for mass murder. There’s a lot of big burly men to jam things up you in state prison so you’d probably find spending time there to be “like hell on earth” or “oh god my ass it burns why must I be this black mans bitch”.
. Since you don’t enjoy getting anally plowed (you must be Amish) then you probably should just play Timesplitters 2 to get your aggression out against your weasley friends. This game is about a year old now but it still really proves to be a solid first person shooting experience. It’s a whole lot like Goldeneye64 in that it’s really fucking good.
. Let’s start by talking about the story mode. There’s a lot more sneaking in the one player game then most first person shooters these days. Even so, there is generally multiple ways to get through levels and accomplish the story based goals the game gives you. The first level is set in some snow covered Russian military facility. The first time I played this level I just ran into the place and started shooting fuckers. I mean, no one likes communists right? But, after playing the game a bit more, I realized that the level was much easier if you stood in the distance and sniped off some of those reds. The bottom line with the story mode for the game is that every level is quite a bit different. Sometimes stealth is necessary but other times the only thing you’re required to do is blast aliens/undead/robots/bandits. Every level has its own distinct flavor because the main character is jumping around during all different and distinct time periods. One level will have you rescuing your partner in the old west from some one-horse town and another will have you exploring an alien planet and shooting flying saucers down with a laser turret gun. The story can be played with one or two people.
. So what of the multi player mode in Timesplitters 2? Well it fucking rules. All the standard weapons are available to you when you are setting up a game. You have the usual suspects like a shotgun, a pistol, a minigun, and a rocket launcher. But you also have some slightly more unusual weapons like a Tommy gun, a laser pistol, a brick, and some weird light saber kind of thing. The game makes very effective use of auto aiming to make up for the lack of a mouse and keyboard so you very rarely find yourself wishing you were playing on a pc.
. The multi player game modes in Timesplitters 2 run the gamete from normal death match to the bizarre “monkey assistant”. Monkey assistant basically has monkeys with guns help out the person in the battle with the lowest score, making him a tough fucker with an army of primates backing him. Another mode, called “Disease”, has the person who is “it” being on fire. That person runs around and tags other poor saps that then have to join with him to tag the other poor saps. When everyone is flaming the game is over. It’s a simple concept that becomes undeniably fun when you throw some machine guns on the playing field to keep the flamers off of you like a hate criminal. The game also has the standard capture the flag modes (which they call capture the “bag”), an elimination mode, and some other modes I’m not going into due to laziness.
. The graphics and sound in Timesplitters 2 are nothing to dance a jig about. The music is ok, if repetitive, and the only noteworthy sound effect in the game is when the characters scream “it burns!” when they are set on fire. The polygon character models are very clean and generally look very good. Even so, there’s really nothing amazing about the graphics in the game except for maybe watching a guys head roll down a hill after you blow it off.
. So should you buy this game? If you only have a Gamecube you should buy it as soon as possible. You own a kiddy system, man; you need a game with blood and guts to make your friends realize you’re not a Japanese schoolgirl. It’s only 30 bucks on the Gamecube right now, stop being cheap. But if you have a Playstation or an Xbox you should probably just rent the game sometime for some kicks. It would be my guess, though I do not own a Playstation 2, that this would be one of the best first person shooters on Sony’s system so you should definitely give it a try. If you own an Xbox then you should just play Halo.
. Timesplitters 2 is an excellent title that will teach you a lot about yourself and about life. By playing this game I learned that robots can’t be set on fire with a flame thrower and that bricks can kill monkeys, lots of monkeys. Yes friends, once you play this game and inform your friend that, because you just shot him dead with the sniper rifle from far up in a tower, that he does indeed enjoy servicing men orally, you will understand how first person shooters on consoles can bring people together. My friend turned to me after that and said “Holt, I thank you kind sir. I have been living in the closet for far too long and you have given me the strength to be myself. I am indebted to you, your sniper rifle, and Timesplitters 2”. He sure was.